“HAPPINESS turned to me and said: It is time… It is time to forgive yourself for all the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn’t save, for all the fragile hearts you fumbled with in the dark of your confusion. It is time, child, to accept that you don’t have to be who you were a year ago, that you don’t have to want the same things. Above all else, it is time to believe, with reckless abandon, that you are worthy of me… for I have been waiting for years…” – Bianca Sparacino
Today… I am ONE YEAR sober.
What does that mean? 🤔
It means I’ve chosen not to drink 7665 units of alcohol (according to my Sober App) and I’ve earned my ‘1 Year’ chip. 🙂
But more importantly, it means I’ve chosen life!
I’ve chosen to become the Mother of my two beautiful children, that they deserve.
One year ago, I entered the first day of alcohol withdrawal. I remember my husband carrying me out of the doctors surgery to the car, because my body shook so violently I couldn’t walk myself. I remember going straight to bed and commenced waiting…. My vision was blurry, I felt sick, my body felt all ‘wrong’ so I couldn’t lay still, I had to keep writhing around in the bed, my anxiety inside was at a level I had never felt before, and I was scared.
But there was nothing I could do, but wait.
I couldn’t even pray because my mind was so foggy.
I just waited…
I waited for six days.
This is the last photo of me I have before I entered withdrawal, taken on the 17/9/2018.
And this is me today…
The past year has been a year of being reborn… and definitely into someone I had stopped dreaming to be. It has been the worst and best year of my life, simultaneously.
I can not describe the gratitude I have in my heart for having the chance to recover! 🙏🏻
I’m experiencing life in such a ‘present’ state, taking each day as it comes and saying goodbye to yesterday. My thoughts and feelings have intensified and I have never felt such freedom.
Of course, I experience bad emotions, like everyone, and I now feel them a million times worse than I used to… but knowing that I have the strength now to face any feeling my body produces, and knowing it will pass… its just so liberating.
In the last year, my heart has been broken. 💔 What started out as what I thought would be forever, turned into a million tears and shattered hope.
I’ve learned to walked away from disappontment, hurt and betrayal. And I now see clearly that we ALL deserve to feel loved and appreciated.
We only get one life. And staring straight down the barrel of death, I’ve learned that it is too precious to take for granted. Every morning when I wake up, I’m grateful. And I devote the entire day to giving my all. If my body is working, I use it!
What an incredible thing it is to be able to say, “I completely broke apart… but I survived, and rebuilt myself from the ground up”. 🙏🏻
I’ve been waiting to celebrate this day… and now that it has arrived, I’m feeling a huge urge to let it all go now… I’ve made it this far, so I can’t keep rereading the old chapters of my life because I will never start a new one.
When I look at my children laughing, playing, dancing, singing… my heart sings. The time that they are children is so fleeting, but I’m so grateful for every minute I can watch them enjoy life.
I don’t understand why things have happened the way they have, and sometimes I want to know what’s in store for the future… but I remind myself that I must trust the journey and have faith that I have not been left alone through anything life has thrown at me so far, so I know I will never be alone again.
Life is a series of transitions. Nothing is permanent and change is inevitable. No matter how bad things may seem today, it will change. I believe we should all hold on to trusting ourselves, knowing that we have it within us to make it through anything, and have enough respect for ourselves to say no to anything that doesn’t serve to grow us.
I love life… ❤️
I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned, and I know I will never forget this last year. I am nowhere near my destination, but I’m learning to thoroughly enjoy every step I take to get there and use every inch of myself to live life to the absolute fullest, everyday!
If you are struggling, I pray for you… I know how it feels. 😞 To live in a constant state of fear and regret, wondering if you’re even meant to be a part of this world, and when will the pain end?
I tell you…
Goodbye to the old me…
Hello tomorrow! 👋🏻