“Yes, your transformation will be hard. Yes, you will feel frightened, messed up and knocked down. Yes, you’ll want to stop. Yes, it’s the best work that you’ll ever do!” – Robin Sharma
One year ago, I was scared…
Scared to walk outside, of the world, my suburb, my street. Some days I was even too scared to go into different rooms within my own house. I was scared to laugh, scared to cry, scared to live, or die.
I knew I had to leave my cave sometimes… particularly to take my daughter to school and pick her up. I would sit at home, in the same place, and stare at the same spot on the wall… hour after hour, day after day. Wondering if there will ever be a time when life would be different… where I could go wherever I wanted, meet whomever came my way, see different places or feel different things. And food! Would I ever enjoy food ever again???
At my lowest point, I was barely eating. Too afraid that I would be sick. (A fear that crippled my life for 24 years. 😞)
I lived in a constant state of avoidance. I avoided everything… places, people, even food. But, I didn’t avoid alcohol… Although, in the midst of ‘not avoiding’ alcohol, I became addicted and then drank to ‘avoid’ withdrawal.
One year ago, I was stuck.
The day came for my life to change.
It all happened in what feels like a blink of an eye now, but at the time, it felt like endless painful seconds, minutes and hours…
I was saved…
But it wasn’t easy.
I often wonder why I have been so lucky to have become one of the ‘success stories’, but then I’d rather just accept it, be thankful, and then donate my time sharing my journey in the hope that it may reach someone who needs to hear it.
My transformation happened pretty quickly in the grand scheme of things. It was like I finally let go of my old self, shed my skin and turned into this new version of me, I don’t recognise most days.
They say becoming a Mother inevitably changes a woman in every way. Perhaps that’s what happened to me? I let go of everything I knew about myself putting two other lives before mine every minute of every day, and I became so lost that I ended up digging myself into a hole that was far too deep to climb out of on my own.
I ended up forgetting me.
But I needed to.
In the last year, I feel like I’ve exploded out of myself and have joined a new world!
I know I’m still me, and I know I’ve still gone through my life… but I swear most days I feel like I’m a brand new person learning all about life, all over again. I have to remind myself that I’m mid thirties and really have experienced all the things that I have in my life, and not to forget the lessons I have learned along the way!
So how is it that within a year I have gone from being completely invisible within my cave to a seemingly ‘normal’ member of society, always out somewhere, busy and enjoying life!??? (And LOVING food!!! 😋)
I can’t help but ask myself the question. 🤨
Is it because I let go of ‘whatever it was’ that I was hanging on to that sent me downward in the first place?
Is it because during my addiction withdrawal, I overcame my fear of being sick, and that makes me now feel free?
Is it because without substances in my body I am able to feel real living?
Is it because I fell in love with life more than being afraid of it?
Is it because I have realised that I am not ‘worth less’ than anyone else on this earth?
Is it because I no longer need the acceptance of others to feel accepted?
Is it because I have realised that unpleasant emotions in life, like anxiety, are normal?
Is it because my children give me my will to carry on?
Was it God?
I think it was all of the above…
So… being almost a year in, I still can’t pinpoint exactly one main reason why my life has shifted so much, I really think it was a combination of a lot of things that happened all at once.
I know I’m still me, because every now and again I am reminded by my old habitual ways of thinking… and I can see (and feel) old ways of coping with life creep back into my mind from time to time.
But the difference now is, I can not only challenge those thoughts or feelings (like any psychologist will tell you to do) but I now BELIEVE IN MY CHALLENGING more than the fear itself. Ie; I know for a fact ‘this too shall pass’, or, “Even if I did be sick, I know I’ll be fine”.
Which now leads me to wanting to know why human beings are prone to certain ways of thinking. Something I want to study I think. 🤔
But in the meantime, I’m enjoying life 🙂
I am in no hurry to achieve anything but health and happiness for myself and my children. They are my whole reason for being!
I know what it’s like to struggle… and I want to help others in even the smallest of ways, because often those small ways remain a big part of our lives. Like someone recently said to me, ‘Kindness makes the world go round’.
And that is so very true.