“In the space you’ve created, you can plant something beautiful…”
I’m thankful to my parents for the way they have raised me, and even though I’m in my mid thirties, with children of my own, I don’t think I will ever be too old to learn lessons from them…
I recently got taught a vital lesson from my Dad.
It happened so casually and my Dad didn’t even know he was in fact teaching me a lesson at the time, but an innocent response he gave me stopped me dead in my tracks. (Which seems to be happening a fair bit lately… 😳).
I have a very bad habit!
It’s the way I think…
I’ve had many bad habits during my life; biting my nails, smoking, drinking… the list could really go on if I sat and thought about it long enough. But the one habit I have not learned how to break, is the way I think.
I am constantly, CONSTANTLY… looking for something to worry about! 😱
I don’t know why I do this, and I loathe this trait that I have. I am desperate to learn how to stop doing this!
It’s the root cause of my anxiety.
There’s most probably a name for this type of habit, over-thinking, ruminating thoughts, looking through a negative lense…? I dunno…
After I became sober last year, I lived a life of complete bliss for about six months… It was like I was born again and the world was completely opened up to me in a whole new way! 😁 I was calm, settled, and happy. But over the last couple of months, I have noticed myself slipping back into old behaviours…
Anxiety feels yucky! 😖
Firstly, I become aware of the feelings it gives me. I decide I don’t like them, I question if they’re normal or something terribly wrong with me and then I begin to avoid things, people or places around me. I dwell on the feelings I get in order to try and find an answer to them. I can literally sit and dwell all day if I let myself! 🙄
If there is an appointment or something coming up that I feel apprehensive about, I will think about it so hard to try and control how I will feel, days before it has even happened!
What’s the point in wasting all that energy!!!!????
Every. Single. Time…
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I’ve been anxious about something, or panicked about something…. I have been fine. So if I can recognise that it’s totally irrational, why can’t I stop thinking this way???
I’ve been told we are all born naturally selfish… so when I think back to my thoughts and behaviours over the six months of early sobriety, I can see that I was so comfortable with who I was, I spent most of my time thinking of ways to help others. (Probably because my life had just been saved, I wanted to give something back!)
But since then, I’ve begun again to question things in my life (ie; thoughts, feelings, circumstances, etc) and my thinking has slowly started to turn inwards again… 🤦🏻♀️
I have an extremely close relationship with my Mum and Dad, and I know I always bottle things up until I can speak to them, or see them, and then I ‘word-vomit’ all my thoughts and worries onto them, in order to seek reassurance. Hearing the words coming out of my mouth, literally angers me! 😡 Here are these beautiful human beings, who have done and would do absolutely anything for me, and instead of being excited and happy and enjoying time with them, I seek a counselling session! Everytime!!!!
I’m so sorry Mum and Dad 😥
When am I going to grow up?
So back to the lesson my dear Dad taught me the other day…
It was Mother’s Day. I was taking my children to visit their Great Grandmother, (my Grandmother) in her new home, and also meeting my Mum and Dad there. I told myself on the way to the home that I would try so hard NOT to spew my insecurities out to my parents that day. But I’m pretty sure one of the first things I said to my Dad, was about how ‘dizzy’ I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling lately…. 🙄 And then I saw my family and had a discussion with them all about a virus we’ve all had and all the symptoms it has brought on…. (Why can I not control my mouth!?)
I don’t want to be that person!!!
Because it doesn’t make my life any fun. And it’s annoying to others!
Near the end of the visit, I asked my Dad if what I was feeling was ‘just anxiety’ and he said ‘Yes’. So I responded with, “Why!? It’s soooo annoying!”
And he (very innocently) said, “Yes…. it is’.
All the way home I felt ashamed of myself. Not only did I do EXACTLY what I was planning NOT to do… but found out it’s actually really becoming annoying to my loved ones. 😞
Is this how I want them to feel when they spend time with me? Um, NO! Mum and Dad have paved a wonderful life for me, and they deserve happiness!!!
So… lesson learned.
1. Control thy mouth! 🤐
2. Think outwardly! 🤗
3. Enjoy any time that we are blessed with to spend with loved ones. ❤️
4. Accept anxiety, and MOVE ON!